The Bachelor Episode 5 Recap: “Super Bummer Mode”
When I decided that I would write recaps for season 24 of The Bachelor, I didn’t factor in that there would be weeks like this. Over the weekend, I was disturbed by the news that this week would feature not one, but two episodes, and Monday’s would have a runtime of three hours. That’s right, we’re being treated to five whole hours of content, baby! That’s like, one and a half Irishmans. Why do they do this to us?
This week, we pick up where we left off: watching the women moan and groan about Alayah while Peter wanders around wishing he could fly away in a tiny airplane. Again, we are treated to scenes of Peter being really, really bad at this whole Bachelor thing. He pulls Alayah aside and tells her he actually thinks it’s best for her to go home. She cries but ultimately agrees with him. I still maintain that she didn’t really do anything Wrong™. What was her crime, exactly? That she wanted to be on television and fought to stay there? Isn’t that what everyone is doing? For weeks, we’ve watched the women be (rightfully) upset with Peter, but not a single one of them has actually walked away. Why? Because they want the Instagram followers and the promo codes that come with them. And that’s okay! So why target Alayah? Make it make sense, please.
I just want Peter to stick to a decision, but he can’t do that because he’s a coward. When his actions don’t create a positive reaction, you can SEE his brain go “whoopsie daisy!” and then he walks it back. This is why he sends Alayah back to Texas — it’s just too much hassle for him to keep her. Having her around makes the women be “mean” to him, and he can’t have THAT. Again, we watch him be inconsiderate and rude, all under the guise of “niceness.” Ugh, the worst.
So Alayah leaves, weeping beautifully in the back of a harshly lit SUV. The women can barely contain their wicked joy. Peter gives them another speech, using empty phrases like “I’m only human,” “I’m not perfect,” and “I promise I know what I want.” No one is asking you to be perfect, Peter — just competent. We’re then treated to a montage of what is essentially a Peter Weber apology tour: Tammy tells him she’s frustrated, Victoria P. kisses him, Deandra tells him she’s “wifey material” (ugh ugh ugh), Hannah Ann takes a picture of them kissing with a digital camera (???) and Mykenna teaches him yet another goofy dance. Time well spent, Myk!
It’s rose ceremony time and we say goodbye to Savannah, Kiarra and Deandra. I like to think that Peter got rid of her purely for the “wifey material” moment. Deandra cries and tells Peter she’s blindsided and confused by his decision, which is bold of her, to say the least. Peter tells the remaining 12 women that their next stop is Costa Rica. I always feel terrible for the contestants who make it to the American city destination but narrowly miss out on the actually exciting international first stop. That MUST sting.
We watch the women react to their Costa Rican accommodations, and Kelley the attorney is OVER. IT. “I’m just here to have fun,” she says with an unconvincing shrug. Je suis Kelley. Peter arrives, and he looks a little different — he has 22 stitches in his forehead. He spins a yarn about fighting a puma on a hike, and some of the women seemed to actually believe him for a little too long. I always knew the true story because Chris Harrison talked about it on The Ringer’s Bachelor Party podcast a few weeks back, so he couldn’t fool me. The actual incident is a truly pathetic tale — while getting into a golf cart with production, Peter hit his head on the cart’s roof, causing him to recoil and smash his forehead into the glass he was holding. We’re treated to the hotel’s security footage of the incident, and it’s just… so silly and preventable. Peter is so bland, he can’t even get hurt in an interesting way.
Sydney gets the first one-on-one date, and Kelsey is sad about it despite the fact that she just had a solo date of her own. Perhaps she was crying because Sydney got to go to a Costa Rican waterfall in a helicopter and she got to eat a pierogi in Cleveland. Who wouldn’t get a little weepy? Sydney and Peter make embarrassing puns in the helicopter, and I just keep thinking that Sydney would never in a million years be interested in Peter outside of this TV show. There’s no way. They sit in a meadow somewhere, and Peter tells us in voiceover that he likes Sydney because she looks out for him (sure) and she’s mysterious (hmm). Just say she’s hot and go!
There was a small, strange interaction here that I want to touch on. Peter jokes with Sydney, asks her if she’s cool with scars. “I’m cool with scars,” she responds. “I’ve got them all over me.” Peter… does not follow up on this?!? It’s just so strange! What does she mean? Emotional scars? Physical scars? That deserved a little attention, a follow-up question or two, but Peter barrels ahead and grills her about her so-called mysteriousness. They kiss, and Peter makes another grave mistake. He tells Sydney she’s the best kisser AND tells her to keep it a secret from the other women because it would “piss them off.” Oh my god, this IDIOT. One of Peter’s major issues as the Bachelor is that he wants to make whichever woman he’s face-to-face with feel like they are The One. If Peter gets engaged to someone other than Sydney, that woman will forever know that she wasn’t the Best Kisser. Another option is that he’s full of shit, and telling Sydney something he knows she’d like to hear. Either way, it’s a bad move. Does he know he doesn’t have to say every thought he has out loud? I won’t be surprised if Sydney ends up blurting this compliment out at some point, using it as a weapon in her next fight. When/if it happens, Peter will have no one to blame but himself.
Back at the hotel, it’s date card time. The date card says “Let’s capture our love today,” and it’s for Shiann, Kelsey, Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Lexi, Hannah Ann, Tammy and Mykenna. This means Kelley has the second one-on-one. Kelley is underwhelmed, and tells us that she doesn’t know how to feel about the date since she doesn’t have a sob story to share with him. This worry about not having a trauma to exploit reminded me of a great essay in Suzannah Showler’s book, “Most Dramatic Ever,” which I highly, HIGHLY recommend to every fan of this franchise. It is one of my favourite books of all time.
It’s time for the dinner portion of Peter and Sydney’s date. She tells him that her parents divorced when she was four and that she’s seen her father five times her entire life. As a biracial girl growing up in Alabama, she was bullied relentlessly, and called awful names like “Oreo girl.” She tells him that her house was even vandalized at one point, and that she ate lunch alone in the bathroom throughout her senior year. A few things: I do not doubt that Sydney has faced racism in her life, and I’m sure high school was a nightmare for her. As the episode was airing, images from her yearbook began to appear on Twitter. The images show us that Sydney was in a school-run pageant (she’s from the South, remember) and that she was elected as something called an “Upperclassman Top Beauty.” Look, these pictures do not mean that people weren’t horrible and racist towards Sydney. Perhaps it’s even one of her bullies that is posting these photos, offering to sell the yearbooks for “$200 a pop.” However, being in the top five of a high school pageant does imply that Sydney was somewhat popular, no? I believe she was bullied, but I’m unsure she was bullied enough to eat alone in the bathroom every day. These pictures do make her a hypocrite for going after Alayah for being fake due to her pageant history. Sydney’s behaviour later on in the episode certainly showed me that she has a bone-chilling mean girl energy herself. It’s likely a defence mechanism she developed during her time in the Alabama school system, but, whew, she can be so, so mean. It’s possible to bully others while also being a victim of bullying. You can place in the top five of a weird pageant but still have people spray paint slurs on your driveway.
Anyways, Peter responds to Sydney’s story by calling her a strong woman and making out with her passionately under a waterfall. He can solve her sadness with KISSES. Yes, Peter is a coward, but he’s also a horny coward. Peter loves a dramatic make out where he gets to lift a lady up. This scene made me glad I wasn’t watching with my aunt this week. Sydney gets a rose, duh.
We then get a glimpse into a storyline I truly hate. Basically, Kelsey has been emotional since her one-on-one date, and Tammy doesn’t like it. We see them discuss this by the pool. More on this later.
The group date is just an episode of America’s Next Top Model, which I’m more than fine with. The women discover that they will be shooting a swimsuit story for Cosmopolitan’s March issue, and the woman that impresses the Cosmo team the most will get to be on the cover with Peter. What they failed to mention was that this was the online cover, but it’s still a pretty exciting prize. The Cosmo team ends up selecting Victoria F. to be their cover girl because she stood out by making out with Peter during her photo session. As I mentioned last week, Victoria F. sucks. She sucks for many reasons, but one of the big reasons is that she posed for a marlin conservation group’s clothing line (lmao), wearing “White Lives Matter” merch. Cosmo didn’t know this at the time, and announced this week that Victoria F. would no longer appear on their cover. Good job, everybody. Also, please look at these pictures of the modesty editing treatment they used on the women’s swim suit bottoms. We can watch Peter and Sydney’s soft-core make out session but we can’t see a little bit of booty cheek? Come on, ABC.
At the group date cocktail party, Victoria F. cements her position as The Worst when she tells Peter that she turned 26 two days ago and that it’s “so depressing.” She calls 28 year old Peter a “grandpa.” Flames, flames on the side of my face. Kelsey tells Peter she is falling in love with him (oh boy), but she’s worried he’ll forget about her. He tells her it’s not possible and kisses her. We then see Tammy complaining to the other women about Kelsey’s “mental breakdown.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. Sure, Tammy is allowed to be annoyed by Kelsey’s crying, why not. But Tammy gets super irresponsible and judgmental here, tossing around terms that are actually quite serious and NOT an accurate description of what’s really going on. If you had told me last week that I would soon be on Team Kelsey and furious with Tammy, I wouldn’t have believed you. Tammy also accuses Kelsey of having “alcoholic tendencies.” Due to the Bachelor in Paradise scandal, we know that contestants are now limited to two alcoholic drinks per hour, so Kelsey couldn’t have been that drunk. Is Tammy a secret Mormon? Why does drinking bother her this much? She makes it sound like Kelsey is two bottles deep, wandering the hotel suite and howling at the moon.
Tammy warns Peter about Kelsey’s so-called breakdown and heavy drinking, and because Peter lacks any kind of tact, he goes directly to Kelsey to confront her about it. Kelsey tells him she was definitely sad, but that she wouldn’t call it a mental breakdown. Kelsey consistently shows us that she’s actually pretty good at handling these confrontations from Peter and the other women. She responds pretty calmly and asserts herself. Does her voice waver a little bit as she does so? Yes, but so what? As someone who cries when they’re frustrated or mad, I understand Kelsey in these moments. Kelsey returns to the women and asks them who told Peter she was “emotionally unstable.” Tammy noticeably keeps her mouth shut. Coward. Maybe she’s perfect for Peter.
The women are mad at Kelsey for daring to cry about Peter because she’s had a one-on-one and many of them have not. They tell her that crying is unreasonable. I just don’t understand this vitriol towards a woman’s crying. Why can’t they mind their own business? I don’t like this storyline, and I want out! Clueless Pete emerges to give the group date rose to Hannah Ann, because of course he does. It always makes me chuckle when the Bachelor is giving a speech about who he’s about to give the rose to, and all the women smirk and bat their eyelashes because they think he’s talking about them. This happened to Anton on Love Island last season, and it was mortifying.
It’s Kelley’s turn to go on her date, and she’s the only one who is reacting to Peter appropriately. She’s unsure if she’s really “into it” and has the energy of someone who just finished an early-morning Soul Cycle session. Peter takes Kelley to meet with some Costa Rican shamans named Pia and Ricardo. Peter tells the shamans that he thinks he and Kelley could be fate because they met in a hotel lobby before the show started filming. This isn’t the interesting or meaningful story that he thinks it is. To determine if they’re a good couple, the shamans light a male candle and a female candle, and the candles EXPOSE Kelley. “The female candle is repressed,” says Pia, causing me to choke on my wine. Me too, future-telling candle! Peter wants to know if Kelley’s heart is really in this, and she admits she’s been struggling. I don’t like how Peter responds to a woman who isn’t falling all over herself to please him. Ultimately, Kelley tells him she’s willing to put more effort into their relationship (whatever that means) and Peter’s satisfied with her answer. She gets a rose.
The next day, Kelsey walks over to Peter’s house to defend herself against Tammy’s accusations. Usually, I’d be annoyed by a contestant “sneaking” over to the Bachelor’s house to get extra alone time, but in this case, I think it’s perfectly understandable that Kelsey would want to explain herself. This becomes even more clear when Kelsey tells Peter that not only has Tammy accused her of being an alcoholic, she’s also been telling people that Kelsey has been “popping pills.” I’m not sure I’ve ever turned so quickly on a contestant before. I’m so disappointed in Tammy, our former voice of reason/comic relief.
Guess what? We get to watch Peter fuck up AGAIN. After reassuring Kelsey that he’s still into her and doesn’t believe the accusations, he gives her a rose. Peter is so good at putting targets on women’s backs. Sure, he has good intentions, but these intentions have negative outcomes that he should see coming from miles away. He wants Kelsey to feel good, so he gives a rose, but this will just make the women hate her more. How does he not see this? Even worse, maybe he does know this, but doesn’t care. Kelsey needed to be able to slink back to the hotel suite and keep her meeting with him private, but returning with a rose makes that impossible. Peter even tells her to walk in with the rose proudly. What. An. Idiot. How is he SO bad at this?
That evening, Chris Harrison tells the women that, yet again, there will be no cocktail party and they will go straight to the rose ceremony. I’m genuinely curious if this is truly a Peter decision, or if production is just running behind schedule and needs to cut back where they can. Maybe Peter is afraid the women will yell at him for giving Kelsey an early rose, and he doesn’t want to face it. That’s probably it, right?
The women are left to sit around and wait, and they turn on each other immediately. Tammy asks Kelsey if she said anything about her to Peter. Tammy knows she fucked up, and she’s shaking in her boots. Kelsey tells Tammy that she did tell Peter about the alcoholism and pill-popping accusations. And then, something kind of great happens: several women confirm to Kelsey that they heard Tammy say these things. Tammy tries to lie about this, but it doesn’t last long. She says she heard about the pills from Victoria P. and then told other people, but Victoria P. somehow comes out of this unscathed. In one of my favourite moments of the episode, Kelsey says calmly that the only medication she takes is Adderall and birth control. Tammy’s left speechless and slack-jawed. Even if Kelsey did take other mental health-related medication, that would be none of Tammy’s damn business. The women have forgotten Kelsey and are now fully upset with Tammy. She stands up and yells back at them, claiming that she only did all of this out of concern for Peter (oh, please). Sydney laughs at her, calls her a psycho, etc., exhibiting the bully-like behaviour that I alluded to earlier.
The women line up for the rose ceremony, and Tammy tells us that she’s ready to “fight to the death for Peter.” No woman should want to fight to the death for ANY man, but ESPECIALLY not Peter, my god. Before Peter can give out the first rose, Tammy interrupts and asks to pull him away. Just once, I’d like to see a lead say, “um, no” to these kinds of requests. But alas, Peter agrees, and Tammy makes an attempt at saving herself. This makes Mykenna FURIOUS because she was counting on using the now-cancelled cocktail party to “show Peter [her] heart,” whatever that means. Mykenna stomps forward to interrupt Peter and Tammy. At this point, Madison is just straight-up sitting on the floor. Mykenna cries to Peter, something he clearly hates witnessing.
The rose ceremony finally takes place, and Victoria F., Madison, Natasha, Victoria P., Mykenna and Tammy get to stay. Tammy clearly makes the list for production purposes only — this storyline isn’t over yet. Shiann and Lexi go home. Lexi will kill it in Paradise.
As Shiann says goodbye to Peter, she pulls a Katie Morton and warns him that some of the remaining women aren’t who they say they are. If I had to guess who she’s referring to, I’d bet on the Victorias.
Well, 3,000+ words later, we’ve made it to the end of this extra-long episode. Unlucky for me and my carpal tunnel syndrome, we have another two hours to get through on Wednesday. Get some rest, drink some water, do some yoga, and I’ll see you then.
