The Bachelor Episode 8: The Wife in the Airplane Hangar
I know I keep repeating myself over and over, but WOW, this season is an utter disaster. I should no longer be surprised by Peter’s inability to make a good decision, but the end of this week’s episode still managed to leave me flummoxed. Let’s get into it.
The episode begins with Hannah Ann’s hometown date in Knoxville, Tennessee. Hannah Ann’s father is a forester, so she takes Peter axe throwing because he’ll need to prove to her dad that he’s a real man. MASCULINITY IS A PRISON!!! They toss some axes in front of an iPhone-wielding crowd, and Peter never looks as happy as he does when he’s making out with a lady amidst 50+ people. He clearly loves the positive attention that comes with being the Bachelor, but he has no idea how to handle the role when the going gets tough. Peter sits Hannah Ann down to show her that he also wrote a middle school-style letter for her that lists all the reasons he loves her. One of these reasons is that she names all of her dresses??? There are no hearts above his i’s, so how can we know if he’s sincere?
They meet Hannah Ann’s family, and her dad isn’t. having. it. I always try to imagine how my parents would handle me coming home with a camera crew and a strange man they had never met, and I just cannot picture it. I think my mom would play along but have tons of questions for me once everyone left, and I know my dad would refuse to participate and opt to watch PBS in the basement instead. Hannah Ann’s mom tells Peter she’ll be happy as long as her daughter is happy, but her dad isn’t going to just “give her away” (ick). When Peter sits down with Mr. Sluss, he talks about Hannah Ann in vague terms like “there is something real here,” and tells him he loves her “thirst for life.” Mr. Sluss essentially begs Peter not to tell Hannah Ann that he loves her unless he’s going to choose her at the end. Cut to Peter speaking to Hannah Ann outside her house, telling her, “I can honestly say that I am falling in love with you.” Oh boy. Hannah Ann says she is in love with him, and they kiss and say goodbye.
Next up is Kelsey’s hometown date in Des Moines, Iowa. Kelsey LOVES herself a run-and-jump leg wraparound hug, doesn’t she? This style of greeting is a Bachelor staple by now, but she really hurls herself at Peter with all of her might. Kelsey takes Peter to a winery to create their own wine. I can’t figure out if this date choice was a self-aware, tongue-in-cheek reference to Tammy’s alcoholism accusations, or if that’s giving Kelsey too much credit. The two of them make all kinds of wine metaphors, describing how their relationship is similar to the wine-making process. The word “aftertaste” is involved. Kelsey asks Peter what they should name their wine blend and he stutters and suggests the genius name of “Wine.” Peter, honey… Blink twice if you want to go home! It’s okay! Kelsey tells him that she’s known she’s been in love with him since Peru. Peter responds by smiling, kissing her, and saying, “That makes me happy.” Kelsey, you in danger, girl.
It’s time to meet Kelsey’s very blonde family. Peter sits down with her mom, and she tells him she’s concerned about him potentially breaking Kelsey’s heart. Kelsey tells her step-dad that she told Peter she loved him, but that he did not reciprocate. Kelsey had a great, mature answer for her step-dad when he asked her what would happen if Peter didn’t choose her at the end. She says she’d be heartbroken, but she’d ultimately pick up the pieces and move on. That’s a real adult’s answer, right there. Aside from that, not much else happens. When she says goodbye to Peter, Kelsey tells him again that she’s in love with him, and he says, “Thank you for being you.” Yikes yikes yikes.
Now we’re in Auburn, Alabama for Madison’s hometown date. I know that her dad is an assistant coach for Auburn University’s basketball team, but I can’t relate to wrapping your entire identity around your alma mater like Madison has. For me, my university wasn’t much more than a collection of buildings where I learned some things and had a few emotional breakdowns. This campus tour she takes Peter on highlighted for me how young and sheltered she is. She’s gone from her very religious home to her university (where her dad works), and from there, straight to the Bachelor mansion. She hasn’t truly experienced independent, adult life yet. Madison takes Peter to the basketball court, where they get a video message from Charles Barkley, NBA icon and Auburn alumnus. This was very exciting for me, a person who rented and watched Space Jam approximately 400 times as a child. I could be wrong, but Peter didn’t seem to fully understand who Charles Barkley was. The basketball team’s head coach, Bruce Pearl, arrives on the court and makes Peter and Madison do some dribbling drills. Madison whoops Peter’s ass. Please look at Tyler Cameron’s very funny tweet about Peter’s lack of skills in general. Madison tells Peter that she knows her family is struggling with the fact that he’s dating other women. Peter and Madison make out on the floor of centre-court (ew). How upset was Madison’s dad when he saw that on his TV screen?
Peter and Madison arrive at her family’s home, and there’s MUCH to unpack here. First, the very concept of the Prewett household’s “Special Plate.” At dinner, someone gets to eat off of the Special Plate, and everyone else at the table has to give them a compliment. Second, Madison’s mother’s aggressive eyeliner/mascara situation explains so much about Madison’s own spider lashes. Third, they make a toast with sweet tea served in WINE GLASSES. This was the point where I realized just how deeply religious the Prewett family is. Why serve the sweet tea in wine glasses at all? Isn’t the very presence of wine glasses in the home blasphemous? Madison’s mom pulls her aside to discuss her decision to remain a virgin until marriage and the fact that she hasn’t told Peter about this yet. I respect Madison’s choice to remain a virgin until she’s married, but I think it’s kind of wild that she has come this far without telling Peter about it. If it’s this significant to her, shouldn’t it have been a date #1 conversation? On the other hand, I appreciate that she didn’t make it her Number One Personality Trait like Colton Underwood or Ashley Iaconetti. I do think it’s strange for anyone who feels this strongly about their virginity and their “morals” to come on The Bachelor at all, especially when their Bachelor is the “Four Times in a Windmill” guy. It’s a little unfair of Madison to be upset with Peter for hooking up with other women, especially when fantasy suites have been part of this show’s format since the beginning. It seems like this could be a huge issue for them next week. We’ll see how it all plays out.
Peter sits down with Madison’s dad, a man who manages to look 16 and 56 at the same time. Peter tells Mr. Prewett that he already told Madison he’s falling in love with her. Mr. Prewett asks for proof, and Peter responds with empty platitudes, as per usual. Mr. Prewett pretty much reveals Madison’s secret by telling Peter that she’s “so pure.” Way to go, dad. Also, I cannot stand it when we see dads on this show talking about their daughters’ “purity.” I want to hand these people copies of Jessica Valenti’s The Purity Myth and keep it moving. I can’t believe young women are still being fed this nonsense by their families, and it makes me sad. We then see Madison speaking with her dad, and it just gets worse. Mr. Prewett tells Madison that when she was a baby, he “laid [his] hands on her and prayed for her future husband.” That is a WILD thing to do and say!!! At this point in my notes, you can see a heavily underlined “WHAT” and plenty of exclamation marks. As they say goodbye, Peter tells Madison that he’s “insanely excited” about her and that he’s falling head over heels in love with her. I really like that Madison hasn’t said it back to him yet, and that this family meeting has shaken her and made her unsure about their relationship. She just tells him it’s “freakin’ hard.” Peter’s going to sleep with Victoria and ruin it all, isn’t he?
Speaking of Victoria, it’s now time for her hometown date in Virginia Beach. I’m exhausted by the very prospect of typing out everything that happens next. I regret ever starting these recaps. What have I done??? Peter meets up with Victoria on the beach, and she takes him and her dog to one of those old timey photo studios that were popular with families in the 90s. Peter tells us that a life with Victoria would “never be boring.” I’LL SAY. Victoria then takes him to a Hunter Hayes concert just off the boardwalk. How did this come about? Hunter Hayes is actually a pretty well-established country artist — a Chase Rice he is not. Does Victoria “know” him too? Was this a producer thing? If so, why did Victoria get this perk and not the other ladies? Hunter sings a song where the lyrics are: “I don’t want easy, I want crazy,” and it’s a little too on-the-nose. The concert wraps up and the drama officially begins. A blurred out blonde woman, who we now know is Peter’s ex-girlfriend Merissa Pence, approaches him and tells him that Victoria is known around Virginia Beach for breaking up friends’ marriages and to be careful. I’m not sure why Merissa was blurred out because it’s very clear she wanted attention from this. From what I’ve read/heard, she was working with Reality Steve since October, trying figure out how to get this information to Peter. As this episode was airing, she tried to get the hashtag #TruthShark trending, which is VERY EMBARRASSING. Her follower count on Instagram went from about 6,000 to the current count of 15,000+. She got what she wanted, I guess. Congrats to the whole team.
Peter is on his way to meet Victoria’s family, but he never gets past their front door. On her front porch, he tries to speak to Victoria about Merissa’s “be careful” warning, and Victoria flips out. If you want to know what gaslighting looks like, just watch this scene. Victoria pulls out all the tricks: crying, attempting to walk away, talking to production, repeating back questions, etc. Peter asks a question that I have also asked: “Do you think that I’m enjoying this right now?” If you want to see an impeccable Victoria impression, watch Cazzie David on Nick Viall’s podcast. It’s phenomenal work. Victoria denies Merissa’s homewrecking accusations but her overall reaction implies to me that there’s at least some truth to it. After more “I can’t!” and “Are you serious right now?” exchanges, Peter hugs Victoria, tells her she deserves to be loved, then gets in an SUV and leaves. Victoria’s family emerges from their house and comforts her in their driveway. It’s all so strange and headache-inducing.
The next morning, Peter is in his hotel room and hears a knock on the door. Who could it possibly be? I wish it was Alayah, coming back one more time to set the “freakin’ record straight.” But no, it’s just Victoria, my mortal enemy. We’re treated to more of their painful back-and-forth communication. She cries and tells him she’s falling in love. He says it seems like she won’t allow him to love her. She says that she’s never tried this hard in a relationship before, which floors me yet again. She also says she can’t walk away from Peter, which is rich, since all we’ve done this season is watch this woman literally walk away. She hands him a copy of their old timey photo from their date and leaves. I close my eyes, take deep breaths and imagine a season with Peter Kraus or Tyler Cameron as the Bachelor instead.
It’s finally rose ceremony time, and it’s taking place in an airplane hangar (a nice call-back to Jojo’s season. That blue dress!). Victoria is still there despite the fact that Peter never met any of her family members, and the fact that she’s the worst woman in the history of this franchise. Yes, I’m including Tierra from Sean Lowe’s season. Madison is wearing a sparkly jumpsuit that wouldn’t be out of place at Studio 54. Hannah Ann is wearing a short, tight cocktail dress that looks like something Snooki would have worn to Karma. Victoria is wearing an emerald green dress that I would bet $50 is from Reformation. Kelsey is also wearing emerald green, but it’s a velvet wrap dress that is actually quite nice. Rose #1 goes to Hannah Ann. Rose #2 goes to Madison. Rose #3… goes to… Victoria. Shame on me for being surprised by this decision, but I still let out the most anguished wail when it happened. Kelsey is in shock but holds herself together very well. Will she be Bachelorette? My podcasts seem to think so. Peter gives her the same spiel about how she deserves someone special blah blah blah. Peter then tells the remaining three women, “My wife is in this hangar right now,” providing me my first LOL of the evening. He informs the women that their next stop is the Gold Coast in Australia. Before the episode ends, we see Madison ask to pull him aside to presumably tell him about her morals.
Next week is fantasy suites, and the producers are making the women stay in a hotel room together, which is just cruel. Usually, by this point, the contestants are separated. I’m not sure I like this change, but I do appreciate the footage of Hannah Ann skeptically squinting at Madison. This season is a mess, but I am looking forward to seeing how it all wraps up. See you then!
